Flashback: How to sit still

I've been trying to clean out some boxes of papers and things, because I have packrat issues and really, do I need all the Alamo Drafthouse guides from 2004? I'm still deciding on that one. Other decisions are easier: I found a few stapled sheets of paper that I've decided to transcribe here for your entertainment. This was written on lined paper, and I recognize the paper size -- those little pads of paper that were popular at a former employer. My guess is that I was stuck in a meeting or conference session and due to factors that will become obvious, decided to write this down as a kind of escape. A little note at the top tells me that this was written in 2004 or 2005.

How to Sit Still

• Do not jiggle your legs.
• Do not push the chair in front of you with your feet, especially if someone is sitting in it.
• Do not scratch your head.
• Hell, don't scratch anything, okay?

• Do not jiggle both legs with your hands in your lap.
• If you must cough or sneeze, cover your mouth.
• And try to do it quietly.
• Do not fold your arms behind your head or on your head if people are sitting behind you who might want to see what's going on at the front of the room.
• Shower beforehand.
• Don't take off your shoes unless you have spotlessly clean and sightly feet. Socks don't count unless they're really cute.
• Do not tip or tilt back your chair if someone is behind you.
• Manhood does not = automatic right to all armrests.
• For your own health and safety, do not eat your own hair.
• Don't start digging your hands in your eyes.
• Now is really not the best time for intentional knuckle or other joint cracking.

And now that I've transcribed this, I remember the meeting. It was in a very small conference room, one that got very warm in the afternoons, and was miserable when it was packed full of software developers in plastic stacking chairs. I remember the sneezing (we had a notoriously loud sneezer in our product group), and the gross head scratching, and the feet. But I don't remember what the presentation was about.

Wouldn't most of these items apply to movie theaters, too? I think so.

Posted at February 15, 2009 11:46 AM